Today in Celebrity Nonsense

• Amanda Bynes has won the coveted lead role in the upcoming Terrence Malick picture, “Empty of Grace”. Haha, just kidding! She just rear-ended another car! According to TMZ, Amanda Bynes rear-ended a car belonging to a woman named Kisa. Upon inspecting the damage done to both vehicles, Bynes concluded that it was not necessary to exchange insurance details and promptly drove off, while blasting Flo Rida and living life to the fullest. Question: how many squirrels do you think Amanda Bynes has killed with her car? Do you think squirrels actively fear Amanda Bynes or do you think they find her goofiness to be endearing? [TMZ]

• Rumored heroin addict Macauley Culkin resurfaced at the weekend to attend the nuptials of Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied. Apparently, Culkin is a longtime friend of Natalie Portman and I personally find their friendship to be far more interesting than his alleged drug habit. What do you think they talk about? Does Macauley Culkin laugh? Do you think that Natalie refers to Macauley as “Mac” and Macauley refers to Natalie as “Cheese”, so that people call them “Mac and Cheese”? Hahaha, I’m so tired. [US Weekly]
• Josh Hutcherson looked like a well-meaning, but ultimately immature dad from 16 & Pregnant. [US Weekly]
• People liked The Master a lot and I began a shrine to the only deity I worship, Joaquin Phoenix’s mouth. [The Playlist]
• Lady Gaga announced the title of her next album and it’s called “Derivative, Pandering Garbage”. JK, it’s called “ARTPOP” and the sound you just heard was a million ughs.  [Vulture]
• Kristen Stewart has sought refuge in the home of producer Giovanni Agnelli. Radar Online reports that Stewart is crying non-stop and not showering, the latter of which is nothing to worry about since Stewart has never particularly struck me as someone who is preoccupied with washing her hair. Like, all I’m saying is is that if she was washing her hair three times a day, that might be cause for concern. If you are reading this, Kristen - adhere to the philosophy of Matthew McConaughey and just keep livin’, girl. [Radar Online]
• Beyonce has braids and, oops, I guess I have to get braids now, too! [MediaTakeOut]