July 2012
michael phelps: hey
me: hey
michael phelps: wats up?
me: nothing much, you?
michael phelps: same
me: cool
michael phelps: …
michael phelps: do u have anything to say to me!
me: ummm, i don’t think so???
michael phelps: …
me: what’s with all the ellipses? are u on the elliptical?
me: haha get it?
me: do you get it?
me: ur an athlete, u should get it.
me: an...
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Gorillaz - DARE
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Janet and Jermaine: I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson!
Randy and Tito: Ooh! I am for real!
Katherine: I forgive you. Who's hungry?
Everyone: Me!
(Laughter)
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Missy Franklin just won a gold medal and also won the distinction of having the best name of any human.
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Al Great - Pray I Make It
My occupation is paper...
I turn twenty years old on August 14th. Here are twenty things I would like for my birthday:
A magical handbag that produces bottles of Diet Coke whenever I feel thirsty or whenever I encounter a homeless person that feels thirsty and I want to feel altruistic.
The ability to do that thing where you put your fingers in your mouth and release a shrill whistle.
A gold tooth.
Gold teeth.
(The...
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DMX - X Gon’ Give It To Ya
If I were an...
Yeast makes The Dark Knight rise.
Sometimes you hear a person on the radio earnestly ask if Kim Jong-un’s new wife is “North Korea’s answer to Kate Middleton” and you immediately lose faith in humanity and feel the need to lie down.
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WHY? - Sod In The Seed
“Some people don’t like their twenties. I didn’t like my twenties!...”
– My mother. I turn twenty in three weeks.
Do you/did you like your twenties? Discuss.
(Reminder that there are adults in this world who get paid money for being “sexperts”.)
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“I am not a party ANIMAL - I am a party HUMAN! Why doesn’t anyone believe me?” I cried.
An excerpt from my upcoming novel, “I Have Had Three Hours of Sleep And This Struck Me As Funny”.
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Confession: I am far more confident in my ability to fly a plane than I am in my ability to differentiate between asparagus, artichokes and anchovies.
I have never flown a plane.
I have definitely eaten asparagus, artichokes and anchovies.
That’s life.
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Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting) (And Also...
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Twelve killed at midnight showing of The Dark... →
UPDATE #2: Reports now saying that the number of fatalities is twelve. Ten died on the scene, while two died later in hospital. Suspect has been named as 24-year-old James Holmes.
UPDATE: 14 are now reported to have been killed and 50 have been injured. [via]
A masked gunman shot dead 14 people and wounded 50 others at a showing of new Batman movie “The Dark Knight Rises” at a...
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