- Me: (apropos of nothing) Do you know that song "5 O'Clock" by T-Pain and Lily Allen?
- Stranger in the Bathroom: No?
- Me: It's a very sexy song. Download it.
“You were rapping that filthy song (Ed. Note: ‘212’ by Azealia Banks) and shouting about Serena Williams. We had to put you to bed.”
- Hi, I went drinking last night and made my parents rue the day they ever had me.
“What is the opposite of beautiful? Beauti-empty? Haha!”
- A thought I just had, which caused me to question why I am eligible to vote.
Personals - W4M/W4W
Seeking adult male or female with multiple speech impediments to record himself/herself saying “Prometheus” over and over again for my own personal enjoyment. If you are Rosie Pope, all the better.
When I was thirteen, I went on a date with my first ever boyfriend to see the film RV. Midway through the film, he proceeded to bite my knee for a minute straight and when he was done, he informed me that I had just had “one-third of an orgasm”. Not knowing any better, I agreed that, yes, I had just had one-third of an orgasm and I thanked him. We then watched the rest of RV in silence.
Tip 4 Lyfe
An easy way to deflect criticism is to party boy your critic and shout, “YOU JUST JELLY! YOU JUST JELLY! YOU JUST JELLY!” at them. Before you know it, they will be begging for your forgiveness and trying to buy your friendship with gifts and compliments. (It’s called “real life” and this is how it works, I think.)
“I agree! It is weird that we are having a class reunion, given that we only graduated two years ago. It’s a nice idea, though. What have I been up to? Well, I’m currently getting really into Fiona Apple and Liz Phair, because why not? And I’ve been making a conscious effort to floss a lot more. It’s actually kind of relaxing. What else? I have a little bit of psoriasis on my scalp now. Actually, I always did, but I feel more comfortable talking about it now, because Kim Kardashian also has psoriasis. Do you watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Oh, good for you. You shouldn’t. Anyway, that’s pretty much it from me. Oh, I forgot! I got married and have two children now. Just kidding! That was a joke. Hey, where are you going? Come back!”